The Very First Conversation

It was not very long ago that I began to wonder about it.

I've been what the kids call "chubby" my whole life. I've tried dozens of diets. I believed the mantra that obesity was an epidemic, that we wouldn't live longer than our parents, that our kind was minutes away from a death of heart disease or diabetes, whichever caught up first.

But I don't believe that anymore.

I'm not sure when it first occurred to me. I've had an endocrine issue most of my adult life and have always struggled to lose weight. I am the only person I know who remained weight-stable on a 1200 calorie a day diet. The only time I had ever managed to begin to reshape my body was during a bout of extreme diet and exercise- 2-3 hours a day of working out on around 1000 calories. I'd never wanted to go back there, it was so miserable. Between bouts of juicing and veganism and low-GI, it started with a despairing whisper, "This never works."

After months of thinking and rethinking what would occur to me after that, I sat my husband down for what I believed would have been a very serious discussion. I was going to stop dieting. Maybe forever.

"It just occurred to me that all this work I do and all this negative self talk may be hurting me and stressing me out and causing more problems. It isn't fixing anything. And I wonder if anyone has discussed whether there is a difference in health between fat women with high self esteem and low self esteem. And I wonder if people have explored the correlation between the emotional stress of being fat and health outcomes...."

I listed my reasons and concerns and he listened, until I blurted out, "So I think I am just going to try to like me like this." I motioned to the body I believed to be completely unacceptable, in every way.

Apple-shaped when I wished it were pear. Chesty when I was embarrassed by chest and my back hurt. Skinny legged, which looked funny in jeans. In between plus sizes and regular sizes. Short, but in a stumpy way.

"Well, I like you like this," he said.

I have decided to figure this whole thing out- how to love my body. I thought I'd share it with you.