The very first time I was challenged to love and accept my body, instead of believing I could and should change it, was in college. I was a freshman and a female chaplain who was sitting with me at lunch told me that a book she was reading recommended standing in front of a mirror and finding something to love about every part of you and thanking God for that part.
The idea of doing this was so painful that even now, eleven years later, I have been unable to do it. I change in dressing rooms facing away from the mirror. I wear my hair down as often as possible to hide my "fat back". I am constantly adjusting my waist band so that the little pinch of fat around my belly is smoothed out. Each morning I leave the house feeling mostly ok, only to find that by midday life has gotten away from me and that my glance at myself in the bathroom reveals a chubby (read: unacceptable) woman with no control over her life.
I have decided that this is not going to be how I feel forever. And I do not mean that I will continue to try to lose weight. I will fix the the fact that I immediately find myself lacking by being abundant. I will fix the fact that I do not believe I am worthy of love.
Come with me.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Very First Conversation
It was not very long ago that I began to wonder about it.
I've been what the kids call "chubby" my whole life. I've tried dozens of diets. I believed the mantra that obesity was an epidemic, that we wouldn't live longer than our parents, that our kind was minutes away from a death of heart disease or diabetes, whichever caught up first.
But I don't believe that anymore.
I'm not sure when it first occurred to me. I've had an endocrine issue most of my adult life and have always struggled to lose weight. I am the only person I know who remained weight-stable on a 1200 calorie a day diet. The only time I had ever managed to begin to reshape my body was during a bout of extreme diet and exercise- 2-3 hours a day of working out on around 1000 calories. I'd never wanted to go back there, it was so miserable. Between bouts of juicing and veganism and low-GI, it started with a despairing whisper, "This never works."
After months of thinking and rethinking what would occur to me after that, I sat my husband down for what I believed would have been a very serious discussion. I was going to stop dieting. Maybe forever.
"It just occurred to me that all this work I do and all this negative self talk may be hurting me and stressing me out and causing more problems. It isn't fixing anything. And I wonder if anyone has discussed whether there is a difference in health between fat women with high self esteem and low self esteem. And I wonder if people have explored the correlation between the emotional stress of being fat and health outcomes...."
I listed my reasons and concerns and he listened, until I blurted out, "So I think I am just going to try to like me like this." I motioned to the body I believed to be completely unacceptable, in every way.
Apple-shaped when I wished it were pear. Chesty when I was embarrassed by chest and my back hurt. Skinny legged, which looked funny in jeans. In between plus sizes and regular sizes. Short, but in a stumpy way.
"Well, I like you like this," he said.
I have decided to figure this whole thing out- how to love my body. I thought I'd share it with you.
I've been what the kids call "chubby" my whole life. I've tried dozens of diets. I believed the mantra that obesity was an epidemic, that we wouldn't live longer than our parents, that our kind was minutes away from a death of heart disease or diabetes, whichever caught up first.
But I don't believe that anymore.
I'm not sure when it first occurred to me. I've had an endocrine issue most of my adult life and have always struggled to lose weight. I am the only person I know who remained weight-stable on a 1200 calorie a day diet. The only time I had ever managed to begin to reshape my body was during a bout of extreme diet and exercise- 2-3 hours a day of working out on around 1000 calories. I'd never wanted to go back there, it was so miserable. Between bouts of juicing and veganism and low-GI, it started with a despairing whisper, "This never works."
After months of thinking and rethinking what would occur to me after that, I sat my husband down for what I believed would have been a very serious discussion. I was going to stop dieting. Maybe forever.
"It just occurred to me that all this work I do and all this negative self talk may be hurting me and stressing me out and causing more problems. It isn't fixing anything. And I wonder if anyone has discussed whether there is a difference in health between fat women with high self esteem and low self esteem. And I wonder if people have explored the correlation between the emotional stress of being fat and health outcomes...."
I listed my reasons and concerns and he listened, until I blurted out, "So I think I am just going to try to like me like this." I motioned to the body I believed to be completely unacceptable, in every way.
Apple-shaped when I wished it were pear. Chesty when I was embarrassed by chest and my back hurt. Skinny legged, which looked funny in jeans. In between plus sizes and regular sizes. Short, but in a stumpy way.
"Well, I like you like this," he said.
I have decided to figure this whole thing out- how to love my body. I thought I'd share it with you.
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