The Decision to Celebrate

Every day I go to bed with the acute sense that I have not accomplished enough with my health that day, that I have failed myself. A judgmental, skinny news person lives in my head, she is aware of all of the contradicting diet rules I have memorized and tried to follow. And each day she replays every moment where  I followed these rules inadequately. We argue:

You had a second muffin!  
But it was whole wheat with local fruit in it! Everything was organic and I was still hungry. I also had raw milk, remember? To balance my blood sugar?
Don't you remember that milk has hormones in it? And are you entirely sure that raw milk is safe?
Well, it's supposed to be more digestible and have more enzymes and bioavailable vitamins....
Speaking of vitamins, are you sure that that vitamin you are taking couldn't be better? Your naturopath recommended that therapuetic grade vitamin. 
I can't afford those vitamins, you know that, you see our bank account.
To be honest, I have not ruled out that we don't have a better paying job because of how people see you... it's a fact that chunky people have lower paying jobs. 

This is horrible. This constant, belligerent voice that remembers every rule from every diet book could convince me that breathing wrong is the cause of my weight. It convinces me that literally every food I eat is in some way wrong. Having gone the Atkins to the Zone- the A-Z of dieting- I know every contradicting rule by heart. No sugar, sugar in moderation but no meat, grains are OK if their whole, but also they are never OK. And a Protestant sense of self-loathing and guilt causes me to feel as  thought it's me, that it is my fault, that I am the cause of what society deems unacceptable about me.

This is diffused by one thing: The belief that fat is OK, neutral if anything at all.

And as I remind myself of this (that fat research is inconclusive, generally biased, and that losing weight is impossible) I can begin to ask myself, "What did I do well today?"

Today, I will celebrate:

• that I made an endocrinologist appointment
• that I took the stairs
• that I had a cup of green tea as soon as I got into work, instead of diving into stressful work
• that I will attend a yoga class this afternoon
• that I took my vitamins and fish oil last night (even if they weren't the most expensive brands, I researched and chose with the best options I could afford). 

Can you do this? Can you celebrate what you have done well today?